Friday, 11 October 2013


This has been sitting here as a draft for a pretty long time.  I wrote and shared it on the Emi in a Semi Facebook page that I coadmin, and later shared the same post on the Gardevoir page on which I was recently granted adminship.  I guess you could think of it as a supplementary post to the thing I wrote for Mental Illness Awareness Week. This first bit is a brief summary of some of my more memorable experiences with anxiety, from its point of view.

"There's no need to be anxious"

Oh boy, you don't say? There's never a need to be anxious, not in my life anyway. Does that stop it from happening? Nope! Anxiety will slap you down and make you its bitch with every chance it's given.

"Got a guest in your house for the night? Well, that sounds neat. It'd be a REAL shame if say, you were unable to fall asleep for no bloody reason."

"On a band trip? Those are fun! Now, let's see how much fun you have when you're so nauseated you can barely stand!~"

"Gone to school to learn stuff? Oho, how well will you learn with a migraine so bad that you can barely open your eyes!"

"Dreading going back to elementary school in the morning? Here, let's give you your first panic attack, so you go out crying to your parents in the middle of the night on the assumption that you're dying."

"Going to go buy a thing you've been looking forward to? Ooh, that requires leaving home. Here, let's make your tummy hurt so much that you need to curl up on the couch until it's time to go, then once you get to where you're going, let's make you hyperventilate because there are too many people in too little space. Sound good? Now, let's also make you all sweaty and nervous at the checkout counter."

"Gotta go out ON YOUR OWN to do something? Oh boy oh boy, we gotta make that nausea happen again! Let's also make you assume everyone who sees you is judging you on some level, here, let's compile a list of the things on which they might be judging you!~ You walk funny, you're fat, your boobs are each the size of a child's head, you're sweating a lot from the combination of my presence the heat and the fact that you're out of shape. Don't worry, I'll let you off the hook for now and stop adding to the list. Now let's distort your perception of time and space so that you worry that you may have passed your destination while I was making up that lovely little list. Oh! You've arrived! Here, let's do that nervous and sweaty thing again, and make it so that when you have to talk, you're barely audible and you trip over your words!~ Now, on the way back home, you walk past and recognize someone you knew from school. Ooh, I bet they'll notice that you've put on weight! Now you're going to dwell on you inability to make friends until you get home, at which point you're going to type out all the nasty things I've done to you in a place where you doubt it'll even be welcome. Is that a migraine coming on? You bet! Now go curl up on the couch and cry like a bitch.~"

Thanks. No, really, it's been fun having to deal with this crap.

This picture is essentially mfw I find out I have to go outside or have people in my home.

I missed a frick-ton of school back in the day.  I was always sick on school mornings and often the night before.  Tummy troubles, headaches, racing heart, various aches and pains.  Miraculously and inexplicably, once my mom called the school, I was picked up from school, or school was over for the day, I'd often start feeling a whole lot better.  On weekends and during holidays, my health was almost always perfect.  My parents picked up on it and assumed I was faking, which didn't help much.  It also didn't help that I couldn't explain my health patterns to them.

Anxiety is a nasty awful thing.  Sadly, the only method of dealing with it I've found is repeated exposure to the things that make me anxious, and some strenuous self talk in an attempt to change my perspective of any given uncomfortable situation.  Fortunately, I do enjoy a challenge, when it's self-issued.  I'm a huge fan of doing what I can't because I can.

On that note, there was another post I did on a page that I admin (words edited some because the original had some humour in poor taste to entertain the folks who like EiaS).

Emi has no legs; she runs.

Rin has no arms; she paints.

Shizune can't speak or hear; she fucking gets shit done.

Lilly is blind; she manages to see beauty everywhere.

Hanako is scarred, physically and emotionally; she opens up enough to either have a successful relationship or to join the newspaper club.

Hisao's whole life is turned upside-down and is shortened dramatically; he finds love (or falls off a roof).

Misha was bullied all through school; she managed to make a couple of friends, and after having her love confession rejected, was strong enough to stay with her friend because she was needed.

Get out there and do that thing you want to do, whatever it is. Go do what you can't because you can. I don't know about you, but I think proving people wrong is the greatest feeling out there.

Over the years, I've learned to cope with my anxiety, among other things.  I've learned that no matter how ill I may feel before or during social events, by the end of it, I'll probably be fine.  No matter how much I may shake during a conversation, odds are that my conversation partner doesn't even notice.

However, even now, as I type this, I can feel my anxiety causing my stomach to do flip-flops as I wonder how this post will be received, or if it will be read at all.  I worry about it getting too much attention, or not enough.  I worry that someone I know may read it and take it the wrong way.  I worry and I worry and I worry and I worry.

The thing about worrying though, is that it's a bit like sitting in a rocking chair, or trying to slam a revolving door.  You can rock and rock, or push and push, and you're not going to accomplish a damn thing.  I've learned that with any source of stress, the best things to do are to do what I can to fix the stressful situation, or if there's nothing I can do, I'll simply not think about it.  So, once this is posted, I'll push it out of my mind, and go back to playing my Rune Factory 4.  Distractions are wonderful things.

If you could hit this with a comment, it would be greatly appreciated.  I know I've been super off topic with my posting lately, and before that I've not been posting anything, but bear with me.  I'm human, with all that that entails.  I've got my limits and my flaws, just like all of you.  I have a lot of trouble getting around to things.  I used to kick myself about it, because I felt like I was being lazy or procrastinating.  Then I read about The Spoon Theory and felt a whole lot better.  It wasn't a matter of being lazy, it was a matter of having used up my spoons.


  1. "once... I was picked up from school... I'd often start feeling a whole lot better." This happened to me so many times as well. Since many of my anxieties revolve around bathroom access (bladder disorder, IBS, and anxiety-induced nausea), I've also found that when I get out of the car and arrive at my destination, my anxiety melts away now that I have access to my safe place.

    1. Thak you so much for commenting! I often feel like I'm just talking to myself on here. I have a couple of those issues as well. Fortunately, I had a great teacher in the second and third grade who allowed me to take as many bathroom breaks as I needed. I can't say they were all that wonderful. One thing I liked about high school was that certain teachers didn't care who left when. Most of my teachers there allowed for a calm level of chaos after the lesson was over. My main problem then was just getting though the lesson!